Principle 37: Soulmates Don't Exist

But sometimes we get lucky

Oh, I don’t mean this principle literally. Yes, there are times when a couple seem absolutely perfect for each other, a pea for that pod. That’s wonderful to see.

No, what I am talking about is a thought experiment I conducted as a kid when I heard people talking about a couple who were “made for each other,” or talk about soulmates who found each other. My logical mind thought they must have been talking about something like this:

Uh, huh, sure, Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed and all that. But my logical mind thought like this:

• There are roughly 4 billion women on this planet (if you are a woman, reverse that — or not, depending on you.)

• One of those women would be the closest in temperament to my own mind. We would fit best.

• Then there would be the #2 best choice, and the #3, the #4, etc.

• By the time we got to the 4-billionth women on the list, we’d have the worst possible choice for me.

All of this assumes any of them would want me! This thought experiment was to rank every woman in existence based upon my criteria. My choice would have her own ranking the other way, and it would be a miracle if we both lined up. Or maybe not, if the person whose mind most closely matched mine would no doubt be just as attracted to me as I would be to her. At least in this thought experiment.

Now here comes the problem. Will I meet 4 billion women in my lifetime? Not even close by several orders of magnitude. I might, at best, meet thousands. What are the odds that my #1 would come into my orbit in the United States? Maybe my #1 lived in a small village in Cameroon or Bangladesh and I’d never know it! Maybe my #s 2-1,000,000 were also well out my reach.

Not to mention that my “soulmate” might very well be aged and on death’s door, or just a toddler at this point, or happily married to someone else, or happily alone.

The point is that when we say we found our perfect mate, we mean out of the thousand or so people we’ve met, not the billions who could potentially fit. We are judging based on the tiniest of selections. We are all like the kid who tried chocolate ice cream and stopped sampling other flavors after that.

So, no, it’s exceedingly unlikely you found the perfect mate. That thought depressed me as a kid, but then I realized something. You don’t have to find the perfect mate to be happy. The #97th-best would still make you deliriously happy! So would the 1,000,001st! The fact is, we could be very happy with many different people if we were only exposed to them.

So when you find someone who feels like a soulmate, enjoy!

The secret to a long, happy relationship is, of course, working at it. Maybe you weren’t soul mates at the start of a coupling of two strangers. But over the years you built something that did not exist in the universe before you two got together: a specific couple.

When you have been with someone for decades, and you still get along, there is a quiet satisfaction in knowing the two of you overcame difficulties and rough edges to create something beautiful and unique.

I salute you, you soulmates you!